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How To Stop Feeling Like Shit Summary Andrea Owen

How to Stop Feeling Like Shit Review:

  • Fearlessly tells it like it is, offering its readers no-nonsense and insightful advice to help them get over their crap and wake up to their own brilliance
  • After reading How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t, I stopped feeling like shit! 
  • Andrea Owen [is] an expert at calling bullshit on behaviors and thinking that keep women stuck, unfulfilled, and unhappy

How Stop Feeling like Shit Summary:

CHAPTER 1

Being an Asshole to Yourself: Learn to Manage Your Inner Critic

The truth is, we live in a culture that profits from women not feeling good enough, beautiful enough, thin enough, everything enough.

Big companies make big money from this notion. It helps the economy.

Many would argue that some religions prefer that women feel small and not enough as a way of keeping them in line

Ask yourself the hard questions:

• What do you tend to beat yourself up over the most?

• What does your inner critic specifically say?

• Are you able to pinpoint where your negative self-talk comes from? If so, where?

• Do you have any triggers you can control? If so, what will you do about them?

• Is there anything you need to forgive yourself for? If so, what will you commit to doing about it?

CHAPTER 2

Go Away and Leave Me Alone: Isolating and Hiding Out Isn’t Protecting You

We live in a social world. Even science tells us that we—as humans—are designed for connection. Some argue it’s our reason for being here.

However, in many ways, we are more isolated than ever.

Ask yourself the hard questions:

• Do you feel like you hide out and isolate when things get hard in your life? If so, why?

• Do you have “compassionate witnesses” in your life?

If not, can you think of people who have potential?

If so, who are they and what makes them your compassionate witness?

• Do you need to do a “cleanup” of your friendships and work on intentionally nurturing one or two of them that you have currently?

• Can you commit to practicing empathy? How will you do that?

• If you’re really struggling in the area of friendship, how can you take care of yourself regarding your inner critic?

CHAPTER 3

Checking Out: Are Your Numbing Mechanisms Still Working for You?

we numb ourselves because we don’t want to feel.

I have yet to meet a person who gets excited or exclaims, “I can’t wait!” when it comes to facing those more difficult emotions.

Shifting the habit of numbing out is crucial to your happiness.

You were born resilient and able to handle all of life’s trails.

You can absolutely thrive on the other side of those difficult emotions.

True badassery comes from walking toward your distress instead of away from it.

• In what ways do you numb out?

• Why are you doing it? Dig deep and think about what’s underneath.

• Of all the tools listed to help you feel your feelings, which are the hardest for you? Which can you commit to trying?

CHAPTER 4

Compare and Despair: The Never-ending Mind F*ck

Ah, comparisons. The stuff low self-esteem is made of.

I’m not sure anyone escapes this, ladies. You probably know all too well.

You see someone—a profile online, a colleague, your best friend,

a celebrity on TV, a stranger walking down the street—

and you find something about them to compare yourself to.

Let me start by saying that I would never, in a million years,

 tell you to stop comparing yourself to others—the key is to manage it

• What or whom do you compare yourself to the most?

• What are some changes you can commit to and make that will help you not get triggered into comparisons?

• Write up your list of successes.

CHAPTER 5

The Demolition Derby of Your Life: Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage—although it may seem counterintuitive—means picking the

fast, easy, and sometimes fun way.

Self-sabotage is your one-way ticket to feeling like shit over and over again.

Don’t let it trap you.

• If you self-sabotage, do you do it consciously or unconsciously?

• Digging deeper, why do you think you self-sabotage?

• What is it that you really want? Not the “things,” but the

feelings and experiences you think you’ll get from them?

• What is it that you’re afraid of underneath it all?

• Who is the person you can share this with?

• What kind of imperfect, scared, and courageous action will you choose?

CHAPTER 6

Feeling Like a Fraud: The Imposter Complex

Have you ever accomplished something great and felt proud for about five seconds,

only to immediately wonder when everyone will find out just how incompetent you really are?

A multitude of experiences could have created your imposter complex.

Maybe your parents only focused on the “Bs” you got even though the rest were

“As,” or they ignored your successes to keep you humble and not to raise a kid

who was “too big for her britches.”

Moving away from feeling like shit because of the imposter complex has a lot to do with your inner critic,

• If you feel that you have the imposter complex, what are your secret thoughts about it?

 In other words, what does your inner critic specifically say about you being a fraud?

• Where do you think your feelings of being an imposter came from?

• Have you been setting too-high standards for yourself? If so, where can you ease up?

CHAPTER 7

The Dog and Pony Show: People Pleasing and Approval Seeking

People pleasers are typically very nice people.

They want everyone around them to be happy, so they tend to run around doing things for everyone else—

Making all the plans, doing people favors, taking on the whole enchilada anytime they can

At the end of your life, you’re not going to say,

“I’m so glad I made everyone else happy by saying yes to things

I didn’t want to say yes to and worried so much what other people thought of me.”

• If you’re an approval seeker and/or people pleaser, why do you think you do it?

• What are you afraid might happen if you stop people pleasing or seeking approval from others?

• In what situations or with whom do you feel that you are responsible for other people’s feelings?

• Do you feel that you take most things personally? How can you pull back on that?

CHAPTER 8

Perfectionism Prison: Self-Destruction at Its Finest

Perfectionism is another one of the habits women tend to wear as a badge of honor.

They look at it as if striving to be perfect is the same as striving for success, excellence, and betterment.

To them, there is no other option

Perfectionism can destroy you. Yes, I’m being dramatic,

but perfectionism is one of the most common habits hindering you from living an outstanding life.

At the end of the day, perfectionism comes down to what you’re afraid of.

I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t come right out and ask you.

So, what are you scared of?

• Making mistakes

• People thinking you’re stupid, not smart enough, not qualified

• People judging your body

• Your partner leaving you because you aren’t super-awesome at everything and have “issues”

• People judging your parenting

• Being unsuccessful

• Failing at life, a.k.a. “not having your shit together”

Ask Your self :

• Can you pinpoint where your perfectionism came from? If so, can you reexamine

the origins of these stories and challenge any of the beliefs that were created there?

• What are you making up not being a perfectionist is?

• How can you deal with criticism in a more intentional way?

• Also, what stories do you make up in your head about yourself when you receive criticism or even feedback?

• What do you need to give yourself permission for that will help you not set overly high expectations?

• What is your perfectionism costing you?

CHAPTER 9

Being Strong: The Illusive Tough Exterior

Although it is meant as a pep talk, the command “Stay strong!” deserves a

special place in hell, in my opinion.

In fact, if being strong were a house, I’d like to throw a brick through its front window and set it on fire

What if we redefined what being strong is? Being strong is

• Asking for help.

• Not doing All the Things just because we can do All the Things.

• Actually feeling your feelings instead of numbing them, ignoring them, or wounding others to ease our pain.

CHAPTER 10

Just Let Me Do It: Start Letting Go of Control

“People want to control things so much and know what’s coming,

when we can’t figure it out ourselves we go to psychics to tell us the answers.”

I felt that if I could control everything (including people)

it would erase all the uncertainty, uneasiness, and anxiety in my life.

People who feel they can’t control themselves, their lives,

and their emotions tend to try to control others, and I was no exception.

People who struggle with control are living in fear.

They are so afraid of what might happen if they don’t try to control the outcome of every situation

Bottom line: Clinging to control will drive you farther away from the contentment you’re looking for.

CHAPTER 11

The Sky Is Falling: Bracing Yourself for Catastrophe

Catastrophizing looks like this: Say things are going well in your life.

Your job is good, your relationship is smooth sailing, and your checking account isn’t overdrawn.

You’re skipping along all peachy and then you think,

“This can’t last. I wonder when all this will fall apart?”

• If you’re a catastrophizer, what do you catastrophize about most?

• What are you avoiding feeling in your life when you indulge in the thought process of rehearsing tragedy?

• What triggers you?

• What does your gratitude practice look like? If you don’t have one, what can you commit to?

CHAPTER 12

The Blame Game: Your Ticket to Disconnection

Ahh, that feels good, doesn’t it? Sometimes blaming feels like a warm, cozy blanket.

One we can envelop ourselves in when things get tough.

• How are you not listening to people? In other words,

are people trying to reach out to you while you’re trying to point out how they could do better?

• Is there anything in your life you need to look at?

Anything unresolved that you’re blaming away?

CHAPTER 13

Zero F*cks Mentality: Cynicism on Steroids

Someone who gives zero fucks puts on a tough exterior—

she’s pushed people away and made them believe she doesn’t care about anything or anyone.

It seems like a great way to live her life, right?

Especially because she’s been

hurt before and believes if she takes on this zero fucks mentality,

she’ll be protected from getting hurt again. It’s as if she engages in this habit with a sense of pride.

Hyper-independence for the win!

However, this mentality reeks of black-and-white thinking:

either we care what everyone thinks of us, or we care about nothing.

And in a culture of all or nothing, this habit gets added to the list.

It’s not a healthy behavior to completely disregard what everyone thinks and others’ opinions.

That just goes against social norms altogether.

There is a name for people who actually give zero fucks.

They’re called sociopath

• What do you feel you’re getting out of pretending you “give zero fucks”?

In other words, what do you think it’s protecting you from or how do you think it’s making your life better?

• When you get hurtful feedback, do you make it all about you? If so, how do you think you can move away from that?

• Is there a specific area of your life where you feel like you give way too many fucks? Why?

• Is there anything you care a lot about that you are judging yourself for caring about?

Or fear that other people are? If so, how can you honor it anyway so as to process it?

• Who would be in your square-inch box? Who would you need to leave out?

CHAPTER 14

Nobody Likes a Slacker: The Downside of Overachieving

When we’re talking about overachieving, we’re not talking about your regular run-of-the-mill goal setting.

Overachieving is making your accomplishments who you are.

It’s basing your self-worth on how much you accomplish and how well you do it

Overachieving is much like perfectionism, but is its own specific and devious monster.

Overachievers believe these things: I am my achievements.

Overachievers put all their eggs in the basket of accomplishments.

Since they tend to be really good at getting shit done, they are rewarded.

But over time it becomes less satisfying. As with any “drug,”

they need more and the reward they feel for doing it all doesn’t seem to cut it.

The thing is: You’re awesome.

You’re awesome with or without your achievements.

You, just you, without all your triumphs, are still magnificent.

CHAPTER 15

Values: Your Roadmap

Values might not sound sexy,

so if you’re tempted to skip this chapter, listen up—values are the shit!

When you know your values, you’re clear on what’s important about the way you live your life.

Think of them as your North Star,

your compass, or your roadmap.

Here are some common values:

  1. Courage
  2. Balance
  3. Creativity
  4. Faith/Spirituality
  5. Being of service/Giving Back
  6. Integrity/Honesty
  7. Physical health
  8. Personal growth
  9. Authenticity
  10. Fun/Humor
  11. Trust
  12. Freedom
  13. Intuition
  14. Adventure
  15. Safety
  16. Justice

• What are your values?

• What do your values look like in real life?

What are the everyday behaviors that make up the path?

• Can you remember a time when you didn’t honor your values?

How did that feel?

What could you have done differently that would have been honoring your values?

• What are some red flags that let you know you’ve walked away from your values?

CHAPTER 16

What I Know to Be True

we are all here to learn, to serve, and to love others and ourselves.

Our happiness is measured by the health of the relationships we have with the people we care the most about.

we are all trying to find ourselves, find each other, and make our way back to each other.

if we walked toward our pain and our joy instead of away from them

and talked openly about our pain and joy more,

we would heal and grow and be more connected to one another

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