The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt

Overview

The Confidence Gap is about the painful space between the life you want and the life you actually live because of fear and self-doubt. Dr. Russ Harris argues that confidence is not a magic feeling you wait for, but a set of skills you can practice, even when you feel anxious or unsure.

The book is based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Instead of trying to crush fear or “fix” your thoughts, ACT teaches you to notice them, make room for them, and still move toward what matters. I like this angle because it takes the pressure off “feeling confident” and puts it onto doing what matters, scared and imperfect.

My Take: The “Do It Scared” Confidence Loop

A lot of confidence books focus on hyping yourself up or repeating positive affirmations. What stood out to me in this one is the idea that “the actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.” So I built a little four-step pattern from the book that I now use in real life: the “Do It Scared Loop”.

The loop goes like this: Notice what your mind is saying, Name the story (“here’s my ‘I’ll mess it up’ story again”), Normalize the fear (“of course I’m anxious; this matters to me”), and then pick one Next tiny step that fits your values. I don’t wait to feel brave before I act; I bring this loop to scary moments and move anyway. I’ll come back to this loop in the “How to Apply” and “Final Thoughts” sections, because it’s the most useful thing I took from the book.

Key Takeaways

Chapter-by-Chapter Summary (Short & Simple)

Chapter 1: The Confidence Gap

The opening chapter explains what the “confidence gap” is: the space between what you’d do if you felt confident and what you actually do now. Harris shows how waiting to “feel ready” keeps you stuck in avoidance, procrastination, and overthinking. This chapter made me see how often I say “I’ll do it when I feel more confident” and how that thought quietly shrinks my life.

Chapter 2: Myths About Confidence

Here, Harris challenges common myths like “confident people aren’t afraid” or “I must get rid of self-doubt first.” He redefines confidence as an act of trust rather than a perfect feeling of certainty. For me, this chapter felt like a relief: I don’t have to delete fear from my system to live a bigger life.

Chapter 3: The Ten Rules for Confidence

This chapter lays out ten rules, including “the actions of confidence come first” and “genuine confidence is not the absence of fear.” Harris explains each rule with stories and simple exercises. I started using these rules as little reminders, especially when I was tempted to avoid tough conversations or new projects.

Chapter 4: Defusion – Changing Your Relationship With Thoughts

Harris introduces defusion, which means stepping back from your thoughts instead of merging with them. He offers playful tools like saying scary thoughts in a silly voice or adding “I’m having the thought that…” in front of them. This chapter helped me see that my mind is more like a noisy radio than a wise judge I must obey.

Chapter 5: Expansion – Making Room for Feelings

Next, the book moves to expansion, the skill of opening up to uncomfortable feelings instead of fighting them. Harris guides you through exercises for breathing into tightness, observing sensations, and creating space for anxiety, shame, or sadness. This chapter taught me that resisting feelings often makes them stronger, while making room for them gives me more freedom to act.

Chapter 6: Engagement – Being Present in the Moment

Here, Harris focuses on engagement, or mindful presence. He shows how being stuck in your head feeds self-doubt, while tuning into your senses and surroundings helps you stay grounded. Simple practices, like feeling your feet on the floor before speaking up, turn big scary moments into smaller, doable actions.

Chapter 7: Values and Committed Action

This chapter walks you through clarifying your values and turning them into committed actions. Instead of chasing a feeling, you ask, “What do I want to stand for here?” and then take small steps that match that answer. I liked the life-design exercises in this chapter; they helped me see where fear has been steering my choices instead of my values.

Chapter 8: When You Get Stuck Again

The final chapter is about relapse and setbacks. Harris normalizes slipping back into old patterns and shows how to gently return to ACT skills when that happens. The message I took from this chapter is simple but powerful: confidence is not a finish line; it’s a practice you come back to, over and over.

Main Concepts

Redefining Confidence

One of the most helpful ideas in the book is that confidence is not a magical feeling of certainty. Harris defines it as “an act of trust or reliance”, trusting yourself enough to take action in the presence of doubt. This means you can behave confidently even on days when you feel shaky, awkward, or out of your depth.

Defusion, Expansion, and Engagement

Harris builds his approach on three ACT skills: defusion, expansion, and engagement. Together, they give you room to feel your feelings, notice your thoughts, and still do what matters. Here’s how I use them in simple language.

• Defusion: I treat thoughts like passing cars, not commands. When my mind says, “You’re going to embarrass yourself,” I notice it, label it as a thought, and come back to what I’m doing.
• Expansion: Instead of fighting anxiety in my chest or tightness in my throat, I breathe into it and give it space. I imagine making my body bigger so the feeling doesn’t fill the whole room.
• Engagement: I bring my attention to this moment, my breath, my feet, the person I’m talking to, instead of rehearsing disaster scenes in my head. Being present makes scary situations feel more workable.

Values as a Compass

Another core idea is living by your values instead of your fear. Values are qualities like courage, honesty, or kindness that you can express in any situation, even when you feel anxious. When I focus on “being helpful” or “being honest,” I find it much easier to speak up, set boundaries, or try new things, whether or not I feel confident in the moment.

How to Apply the Ideas This Week

I don’t want this summary to just sit in your bookmarks. Here’s how you can use the “Do It Scared Loop” over the next seven days to start closing your own confidence gap.

• Pick one area where fear is in charge. Maybe it’s public speaking, dating, selling your work, or setting boundaries. Write one sentence about how fear is limiting you there right now.
• Notice and name your story. When your mind pipes up (“I’ll freeze,” “They’ll think I’m stupid”), pause and say, “Thanks, mind, that’s my ‘I’ll ruin it’ story again.” You’re already practicing defusion by naming it instead of just believing it.
• Normalize the feeling. Gently remind yourself, “Of course I’m anxious, this is important to me.” Put a hand on your chest, breathe slowly, and imagine making space around the feeling instead of shrinking away from it.
• Choose one tiny, values-based step. Ask, “What kind of person do I want to be here?” then pick the smallest step that fits that value, sending an email, saying one sentence in a meeting, or practicing a skill for ten minutes.
• Review at the end of the week. Look back and ask, “Where did I use the loop? What did I learn?” Don’t grade yourself on success or failure; focus on whether you moved even a little closer to the life you want.

Memorable Quotes

Who I Think Should Read This Book

• People who feel stuck because of self-doubt: If you feel like you keep waiting to “feel ready” before you act, this book gives you a new way to move forward anyway.
• Professionals who avoid speaking up or taking the lead: If fear of criticism or failure is holding you back at work, the ACT tools here are very practical.
• Students and young adults: If you’re facing exams, career choices, or social anxiety, this book can help you build skills instead of chasing a perfect self-image.
• Therapists and coaches: If you already use ACT or CBT, Harris’s clear examples and worksheets give you concrete ways to talk about confidence with clients.
• Anyone tired of “just be positive” advice: If you’ve tried affirmations and pep talks and still feel scared, this more honest, science-based approach may feel like a breath of fresh air.

What Other Readers Are Saying

I always like to check what other readers think before I pick up a book. On Goodreads, The Confidence Gap sits at around 4.05 out of 5 stars from over 5,000 ratings, which is strong for a psychology-based self-help book. Many readers praise its mix of theory and exercises, saying it feels both compassionate and practical.

On Amazon, different editions hover around 4.6 out of 5 stars, based on hundreds of reviews. Readers often say the book helped them handle anxiety about public speaking, career moves, and social situations, and that the ACT tools are simple enough to actually use. A common critique is that some ideas feel repetitive, but even those reviewers usually admit that repetition made the main points stick.

• Read reviews on Amazon: The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt on Amazon
• Read reviews on Goodreads: The Confidence Gap on Goodreads

Final Thoughts

For me, the biggest gift of The Confidence Gap is that it takes the drama out of confidence. I don’t have to become a different personality type or erase all fear from my system. I just need to keep running the “Do It Scared Loop”: notice my thoughts, name the story, normalize the fear, and pick the next tiny values-based step.

If you use this summary as a starting point and actually test the ideas in your own life, you’ll get more than a nice quote or two. You’ll start to see that fear and self-doubt don’t have to be reasons to stop; they can be passengers you carry while you move toward what matters. That, to me, is what genuine confidence really looks like: showing up, scared and human, and doing the things that make your life bigger anyway.