Book Summary: No One Understands You And What to do about it Summary

You’re a Riddle Wrapped in Enigma

  1. No one is an open book
  2. Your emotions are less obvious then you realize
  3. Life is easier and more rewarding when people get you



You’re Actions Are a Matter of Interpretations

  1. People don’t see us as objectively as we are
  2. People don’t see us as we see ourselves
  3. Our actions may be interpreted differently than intended


Cognitive Miser Effect

  1. We always assume things
  2. Confirmation bias, people expect what they want to see
  3. Primary effect makes people bias
  4. We stereotype people
  5. Creative people are view as less effective leaders
  6. Halo effect makes people think that all attractive people are smart
  7. The false consensus effect; people think others share the same opinions, habit… As them
  8. We think we are unique, more honest, kinder than others


How Perception Affect Us

  1. We link behaviours with the person’s personality, trait, moral characters…
  2. People behave differently in different settings
  3. People assume if someone is similar in one way, they could be similar in other ways
  4. People stereotype when they are tired, stressed, etc.
  5. People need to be motivated to put more effort into perceiving


How to Build Trust

  1. Project trust by sharing knowledge
  2. Trust reduce stress and turnover in workplace
  3. Project warmth and competence


How To Convey Warmth

  1. Give compliments, perform favours, show interest
  2. Make eye contact
  3. Nod from time to time
  4. Smile, smile, smile


How To Show Empathy

  1. Say I’m sorry on behalf of GOD
  2. I’m sorry the plane crash, I’m sorry about the rain
  3. This greatly help in showing empathy


How To Gained Trust

  1. Be vulnerable
  2. Tell people about your struggles and challenges
  3. Share personal stories
  4. Show your weaker side


How to Convey Competence

  1. Highlight accomplishments and experience
  2. Be self-assured, avoid defensiveness
  3. Make eye contact
  4. Use easy to understand communication
  5. Speak faster, gesture, nod, upright posture


How To Appear to Have Willpower

  1. DON’T Smoke
  2. DON’T Overeat
  3. DON’T spending Impulsively
  4. DON’T be lazy
  5. DON’T cheat


Overconfident leads to…

  1. Unrealistic goal settings
  2. Under prepared
  3. Being annoying


Adopt Power Pose To Feel Powerful

  1. Hands behind head
  2. Legs apart
  3. Arms spread while gesturing
  4. Stick out chests
  5. Taking up more space


Emphasize Your Potential to Project Competence

  1. Highlight what you could offer
  2. People root for uncertainty
  3. Pitch a fantastic future
  4. Paint a gorgeous goal


Traits that Convey Warmth Without Appearing Low Competence

  1. Courageous, fair, principled, honest
  2. Loyal, being somebody people can count on


How Powerful people think

  1. They are more accountable
  2. They are more selfish
  3. They are more motivated
  4. They have less empathy
  5. The stereotype more often
  6. Be fucking useful to them and you will succeed
  7. Think about how you can help them with their goal


How ego affects us

  1. Our ego distorts our views
  2. People don’t hire them who threaten their attractiveness
  3. We have Illusionary optimism, we always think things will work out well
  4. We always blame others for our fault


Dealing with People’s Ego

  1. Access if you pose a threat to them
  2. Be modest
  3. Praise people when they deserve it
  4. Forming a sense of us by finding commonality


Risk Takers Mindset

  1. Open minded, holistic
  2. Work fast, make mistakes
  3. Optimistic, comfortable with risk
  4. Creative & innovative
  5. Cheerful to depressed
  6. Artist, consultant, inventor
  7. Respond well to potential gains, benefits
  8. Look for reason to say yes
  9. Go by feeling, intuition


Risk Avoider Mindset

  1. Thorough & detail oriented
  2. Slow but accurate
  3. Cautious pessimistic and risk averse
  4. Analyse and evaluate, prepared
  5. Calm to anxious
  6. Administrator, accountant, engineer
  7. Respond well to preventing lose, mistakes
  8. Looking for reason not to say no
  9. Go by reason, details, evidence


2 Types of Emotionally Neglected Child

  1. Anxious
    – had loving but not reliable parents
    – Child throw tantrums and try to get attention
  2. Avoidant
    – had less supportive parents
    – Avoid parents
    – Don’t expect affection from parents


Emotionally Secure Children

  1. Get close to others easily
  2. Comfortable in depending on people
  3. Comfortable in having people depend on them
  4. Don’t worry about being abandon
  5. Don’t worry about people getting too close


Anxious Attached Children / Needy People

  1. Felt the pain of abandonment before
  2. Constantly seeking closeness
  3. Constantly worrying people don’t want to be close
  4. Questions their own self-worth
  5. Look to others for validation
  6. Self-esteem depends on validations
  7. Get clingy, jealous, highly emotional
  8. When they are caring, it’s all about them
  9. They are rejection sensitive
  10. Expect to be rejected
  11. Overreacts to rejections
  12. They hate broken promises, ambiguity & loneliness


Avoidant Children / Aloof/ Distanced People

  1. Uncomfortable being close to others
  2. Difficult to trust people
  3. Difficult to depend of people
  4. Don’t like to be depend on
  5. Hate obligation, forced intimacy, vulnerability


Dealing with Needy People

  1. Empathize, think.. Why do they feel that way?
  2. Don’t take it personally, it’s about them
  3. Avoid ambiguity, let them know how you feel
  4. Be reliable


Dealing with Aloof People

  1. Stress makes them clam up
  2. Don’t expect warmth and support from them
  3. Give moderate warmth and support
  4. Say let me help you, instead of would you like me to help?


How to Correct bad impressions

  1. Provide plentiful of contrary evidence
  2. Activate their need to be fair
  3. Label them any traits that’s helpful
  4. Share examples of you making stereotyping mistakes


Need to feel in control

  1. People need to feel in control
  2. People hate unpredictability
  3. Offer help to people in distress
  4. Lend a hand to your boss in crisis
  5. Let people know how you feel


Work together to make people like you

  1. Collaboration would  increase understanding
  2. It’s great opportunity to show your good sides


Familiarity breeds liking

  1. Always hang around the people you want to like you
  2. Stick to people who hate you they’ll slowly learn to like you


How to Apologize the right way

  1. Don’t justify
  2. It’s all about them
  3. Imagine how they feel
  4. Restore their trust
  5. Say: I feel your pain !
  6. Say: I know I let the whole team down!


How to judge others clearly

  1. Don’t rush
  2. Beware of confirmation bias
  3. Commit to being fair

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