If You’re So Smart, Why are You Not Happy Summary
7 Sins of Happiness
1. Devaluing happiness
- We devalue happiness by choosing money, fame, beauty over it.
- We choose a higher paying job or buy more expensive items
- We need to prioritize happiness by doing happiness enhancing activities.
- We should hang out with friends more, go vacations with family.
2. Chasing Superiority
- We are socially conditioned to be better than others, to be the best.
- Survivor of the wealthiest, fastest, strongest etc has been taught by society.
- Mastery is one of human’s main goal
- We check our progress by comparing with others
- Desire for approval and self esteem is important for us
- We need the freedom to control our lives
- We use fame, money and power and status to show superiority and they make us materialistic & materialism lowers happiness
- People get adapted to materialistic gains quickly
- Being materialistic lowers compassion and increase self-centeredness
- Research show materialistic people more likely to suffer mental disorder
- Tying one’s self – worth to being better than others can lead to depression.
- Being superior makes us happier but the process of it lowers happiness
- Superiority could be addicting
- Pursuing Flow is better in helping achieving success.
- Negative self-talk doesn’t motivate us
- Self-kindness motivates us
- Talk to yourself like you’re a fragile little girl
- When you achieve success thank people who helped you
3. Desperation for love
- Our capacity for love depends on how much love we receive when we are young
- Being in love is powerful, the greatest feeling you can feel without drugs
- That is why we crave love.
- we need to forge bond with others
- We need others to agree with us.
- Relationship brings happiness
- Isolation brings sadness
- We need connection to be happy
- Neediness and avoidance doesn’t bring happiness
- Gratitude leads to friendship
- Find , remind, bind
- We have the need to love and give because givers are happier
- Babies who give their stash away are reported happy
- Giving improves overall health
- When we are generous, we feel more capable, effective and abundant
- People who give charity have higher income
- People who give get promoted
- People who witness their generosity are happier
- It takes five positive remark to compensate one negative remark
- Practice creative altruism
- Stay around to received their thanks gracefully
- The world is filled with generously people, we just have to see it
- The media has skewed our perspective, the world is less dramatic as the news
4. Being Overly controlling
- People reminded of death are negative towards those who are different
- Death evokes feeling of uncertainty and lack of control
- Values, ideals, people make us feel more in control
- Illusion of control is why we fear flying instead of driving.
- Being in control pro long life
- Being obsessive controlling lower happiness
- People resist control
- You can either have control over people or their love
- Power stress is when people doesn’t act according to their expectation
- Obsessive over desired outcome lower happiness
- Life is uncertain, outcome is never certain
- Appreciate and prepare for uncertainty
- We can’t appreciate uncertainty if our live is not under control
- Our health, relationship and financials need to be under control
- Time scarcity perception kills happiness
- Making more money feels like having less time
- Awe inducing images eg. Waterfall, whales slow down perception of time
- Take internal control, never blame anyone for anything
- Everything that happen is your own responsibility
- We recall past vacations to be more fun than they are
- We over predict that vacation would be more enjoyable than they would be
- We selectively remember only the positive events
- We over predict negative events
- Thoughts influence emotions
- Anxieties are caused by uncertainty
- Sadness are caused by loss
- Anger cause by someone blocking goal
- Pride result of own positive actions
- Gratitude result of others positive actions
- Focus on thoughts that make you happy
- Shopping compensate for lack of internal control
- Religious people belief God gives them control over external events
- People are superstitious when they lack external control
- People try to have external control by praying
- When we have strong internal control, we don’t get affected by external circumstances.
- Asking the wrong question can undermine confidence
- Labeling feelings lower intensity
- Put things in perspective
5. Distrusting others
- Distrust begets distrust
- Trust and you get trust
- We are hardwired to distrust
- Evolutionary, those who distrust survive longer
- Trust is increase happiness
- Learn to elicit trust
- Learn to understand and forgive
- Revenge is a negative cycle
- Imagine if you’re born the way they are, you’d behaved the same
- It is unfair but do it for yourself
- Be likeable and you’ll get cheated less
- Similarity breeds liking
- Warmth and friendliness breeds liking
- Build history of mutual trustworthiness
- Take small trust risk and expose small vulnerability and secrets
6. Passionate pursuit of passion
- People are happier when busy, unless overworked
- Meaningful business is much preferred
- Derived happiness from working towards an outcome
- Process gets you happiness
- Outcomes gets you happiness
- Negative feelings lose their intensity
- Positive feelings retain their intensity longer
- Negative events are more significant
- Negative feelings provide growth
- We should pursue outcome
- Be non-judgemental about undesired outcome
- Note positive outcome from the negative event
- Trust that good things will happen to you
- Train your mind to note the positive
- Our subjective belief can shape objective reality
- Practicing gratitude help being positive
7. Mind addiction
- Trust your gut and feelings
- Subconscious mind is superior
- Ideas came in the twilight zone
- Self-awareness is crucial
- Self-honesty is important but your self-worth need to be strong enough
- GATE = Goals, Actions, Thoughts, Emotions
- Our lives around GATE.
- Observe your GATE and slow it down
- Be mindful of negative feelings
- Observe physical sensation of negative feelings
- Behaviour affect attitude
- Be in the moment, mindful
- Mindful = observe without any judgement
- Mindfulness improves heart health
- It improves vagal tone
- Our minds are programmed to search patterns
- Patterns are created out of random events
- Constantly observer your breath
8. Happiness Requirement
- The need for mastery and flow enhance the progress towards mastery
- The need to feel intimacy or connection with at least one person
- The need to belong, love and loved.
- The need for freedom and control = autonomy
- MBA = Mastery, Belong, Autonomy
- Abundance route = flow, love and internal control
- Scarcity route = superiority, loved, external control
Conclusion
- This Happiness formula only works for those have their basic necessities met.
- The world will not fall in productivity if everybody adopts this mentality
- A lot of people are still in scarcity mode because people are more concerned with surviving
- The Media has been bombarding us with negative side of people and skewed our perspective
- Flock with like minded people to improve yourself
- Be flexible, open minded, “be like water” as Bruce Lee said.
If You’re So Smart, Why are You Not Happy Summary !
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